Starting with 2014s BostonStrong, I’ve chosen a word to define my year, every year. It has always been spot on, and there has always been an unanticipated (but perfectly) fitting twist. Live (’15), Alive (’16), Survive (’17), Thrive (’18), Epic (’19), Renew (’20), Serenity (’21), Empower (’22) and Blossom (’23) all very well defined my growth that year.
Last year I set a second half intention as well: Blend. Last years second half theme, and some of the inspiration for this years specific choice unintentionally mesh in ways I’d not initially realized, and I can’t wait to see the growth that transpires within this trajectory as the year progresses.
This years theme is decidedly darker. And very deliberately so. This year, I am BROKEN!
I first watched M. Night Shyamalan’s thriller “Split” in October of 2016. The timing of that, and the strength I harnessed within myself immediately following that is another story for another time. But there is good reason my old steel roadie 🚲 is named The Beast, and I cannot thank him enough for this supervillain origin story from which I’ve since cherry-picked aspects to bring to light in my own personality and journey.
(SPOILER ALERT) – Diving into the darkness of this years theme necessitates an understanding of Split plot lines and character development. Linked below, is the most crucial five minutes… which left me walking out of the theater, my head throbbing with concussion headaches, but extremely fired up.
“We are glorious. We will no longer be afraid. Only through pain can you achieve your greatness.”
Indeed it has thus far been predominantly through pain I have found MY greatness. Only, and the implied correlation to trauma, is something The Beast and I disagree on. Trauma is not the ONLY way. Just because it has been mine since I was a child does not mean everyone must suffer. This is one of the reasons I love pacing marathons. Though we could have discussions on whether running your first, fastest, or any marathon constitutes ‘pain’… the growth through running is very real. I’ve seen so many people blossom, both within and beyond the sport, as a result of those efforts. Physically, emotionally, spiritually this sport lifts us. I love being a part of that… Of seeing people awaken their own greatness without the traumas so many of us endure.
“Those who have not been torn (often) have no value in themselves…. They are asleep.”
Here again The Beast and I mostly agree. There are many who have found self worth and value without being torn asunder. I was NOT one of them. I accept that. Traumas have repeatedly jarred me from sleepwalking blindly through life. And I will use the awakening I found through that suffering to lift me further yet. That will always be PART of who I am.
“Your ____ cannot hurt me… Kevin is a man. I am much more!”
Bullies, bombs, betrayal. It’s all the same. These have tried, and failed, to destroy me. They DID hurt me once (ehh many times actually), but I am resilient. I emerged stronger every time. I will continue to do so.
“You are different from the rest. Your heart is pure. Rejoice. The Broken are the more evolved. Rejoice!”
THIS will be my 2024. In the movie, only the Broken survive. I was Broken many times. I remain Broken now. In some ways I will always be Broken. Yet in the darkness of those traumas, I have always found the Light. I have learned to harness it, focus it, and magnify it. I am NOT split, Ken holds the Light, and choses to blend all the best together. Inhuman strength and agility. That sounds pretty sweet to me!
This past year broke me in ways I’d not thought possible. Blossom was not meant to be the year in which I buried my best friend 🐕, and along with him my 💔. But flowers are seasonal… perhaps what blossomed last year was necessary to awaken the potential for a far more bountiful and longer lasting harvest. Those bulbs lay just below the surface at this very moment, waiting for the right time. When they emerge, it will be more glorious than before. Seriously… The best fertilizer is 💩. And you do realize the utter darkness in which 💎 form, right?
In 2023, my running was at its best when I was MOST broken. While some may wallow in self pity, I see it as a trampoline. The deeper, the darker I go… the more I rebound into pure Light. Mere days after the lowest point of the year I set a huge marathon PR – despite the fact that I’d done ZERO proper training or speedwork in half a decade. Rejoice indeed!
Perhaps this year is just a sacrifice:
- An opportunity to wrestle my demons. In high school, I may not have known how to push my own buttons. Now I do. There will be no mercy on this mat.
- It is a chance to tame some more dragons.
Zaldrīzes buzdari iksos daor. No, but they will purr curled up at my feet. And will scorch the earth at my bidding, by choice. - Now is the time I slay the giant. Goliath was always doomed. That which has enslaved me, held me back or otherwise impaired my growth has no place anymore.
Things will be very different this year. Honestly, a lot of it doesn’t thrill me. I’m going to miss pacing. I’m going to miss frequent race events. I’ll be spending a lot of time holed up here at the Hobo Hideout getting my life in order.
But I’m excited. That time will allow me to focus entirely on my health and wellness. I’m not afraid of the dark. I’ve faced it many times before. And the wisdom I bring into the pain cave with me this year? I can’t imagine the transformation my high school self would have gone through if he’d had even a fraction of the understanding I do now!
The Beast chose to remain Broken, to remain in the darkness. I chose otherwise. Inevitably parts of self will break again. But I have a firm grip on the Light. The darkness I face will do my bidding. It has before, and it will sleep far, far away when I so require. Now I am battered and Broken, but this is merely the starting line to an Unbreakable future. I couldn’t quite bench 350lb in 2000 either, but there’s time yet. 2025 spoiler alert perhaps? 😼 14 year old me feels like I’ve been here before. 16 year old me smirks knowing what comes next…